The undertow.

Sometimes, it carries you away.

Sometimes it does not.

Princess of the Night.

Princess of the Dawn.

New Dawn.

Because it is always a new one.

Princess, princess of the Night.

There is no Princess.

Never was.

All there is happens to be something I’m not. the ME.

R.

The feeling of sorrow is real, be if from the outside or the inside.

One mystery box later and I might even thank the tank driver.

Feeling good is good enough.

Except for when you don’t.

I've come to answer your prayers.

Life has no meaning anymore, does it? The wine has no taste, food sickens you and there seems no reason for any of it.

But what if I could give it back to you?
Pluck out the pain and give you another life?

Bonnie

My Bonnie’s over the ocean.

My Bonnie’s over the sea.

My Bonnie’s over the ocean.

Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

Original song.

Loss.

Today I woke up much too early. Got the news that the puppy, the lovely creature that had been the freshest member of the household, had to be put down. Asked for an update, owner (a member of my household) broke down in tears. Went for an instant hug.

According to the owner, the vet said the puppy didn’t had a chance, that having that many seizures she suffered in such a short amount of time were terrible. Wasn’t even able to get contact with her, simply stated that she’d enter some kind of state that wasn’t part of this world.

She wasn’t even a year – about four months old in total. At least she didn’t suffer, not so much.

Still sucks.

Thanks to you who's been kind enough to help. If you do wish to help, feel free to drop me a few words - I'll pass on any love to the owner (if you knew the dog in question).

While alone on night watch...

...do not read Stephen King.
Especially not when Shadow stands just outside the doorway, watching you, watching you watching, never tilting a head in acknowledgement that you're there or returning the gesture when you do. Shadow watches. Shadow just watches.

Red spots in the doorway. Another doorway, blinking lights, lights that don't make up their mind on what setting to appear on.

The rattling door down the hallway that insists on you keeping it down the hallway. Walking, rattling, walking, rattling, walking, passing, seeing it, the door that rattles, shakes as if wind were pushing it, urging it to shake, shake and rattle in the hinges, rattle, rattle, sheading the snakeskin and the little worm in your mind that is fear crawls, crawls into darker shades and shadows.

Unfamiliar noises, familiar noises, the little bit, the big bite, respite and lack of keys... All blend in, all mixing, blending, blinding, hard to keep track, making it hard to keep the keep secure and the track, the road, the shutters stutter, shutting down and you know, you know what's going to happen. Because it's already happened and you're not just writing a memorial, you're writing about the past, the late happenings and the dead dread that creeps down your creepy spine in cold, cold silence that's oh so eerie and you can't stop thinking, can't stop to drain or drown it out because there's no ending it and you pray and you scream and there's no sound no sound at all and all you're able to do is type, type, write, write, keeping the darkness at bay, keeping the hedges clear and visible ready to face the darkness inside of you and the hedges, the hedges are real.

Shadow in the doorway agrees.
Fiction mixes with fact.
The real world becomes a fantasy.
The voice on the radio comes from afar, afar and sounds like the muffled washout of wordless dead things from under the sea where dead gods dream.
None of this is real.
Shadow outside in the hallway stares silently at me. I hope that Shadow agrees with me.

Tonight is a night you should be sleeping.

Trans Day of Visibility.

"I believe that transgender people, including those who have transitioned, are living out real, authentic lives. Those lives should be celebrated, not questioned. Their health care decisions should be theirs and theirs alone to make. And what I wrote decades ago does not reflect what we know today as we move away from only the binary boxes of "masculine" or "feminine" and begin to live along the full human continuum of identity and expression."

Gloria Steinhem

“Look, I’m trans, and maybe it won’t be in the future, but right now it’s a struggle. So I get annoyed when people assume technology is gonna magically fix all our problems. It won’t do anything about bigotry. We have to fight that now.”

Claire, Questionable Content, page 3185.

“Men are equally illogical as women just on other ways. All women want to feel like they are pretty witch is kinda dumb ‘cus whom the fuck cares about being pretty when you can be so much more.”

Person who's opinion I love.

“They can take control in unexpected ways, they have a seed growing inside of you wanting to grow into a beautiful flower that will radiate with it's unique bloom.”

That’s at least how a certain Sylly One described it.

“Sleeping in a bed when your romantic companion is nearby will grant the Lover’s Embrace perk, which grants a significant boost to any earned XP for a limited time.”

VDSG Catalogue No. 9633

“I’ve been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman. But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Cynthia Nixon.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Somehow, Samuel Beckett really got it.

An unexpected chat.

While coming home early Sunday morning back from work, I found a random person trying to add me on Skype. As I usually do when this happen, I replied with a polite "Hi. Who are you and how do we know each other?" – for all I knew this was someone who I did knew, but didn’t have on Skype. As it turns out, this was not the case:

i got ure name from the member directory here on skype cuz i was bored and lookin for new people to talk to. lol

25/f here u?

Now, based the writing alone I was fairly certain that this was an individual that I’ve not shared words with before as most of the people I spend time with, including my acquaintances, makes an effort to write properly. I felt that stating this would be a natural follow up:

I see. So, basically, we're two random people who's had no previous contact?

However, instead of answering my question, Random Person went on with the questions:

so what r ya up 2?

To in turn I replied:

I just got home from work. It's about 08:17 at my place. Night shift.

This prompted another strange answer:

i'm just looking forward to my spring vacation from school, i'm still in college right now so i'm pretty excited ya know

At this point, I was more than just a little baffled, but trying to remain the well-mannered person I like to think of myself as so I went along with what I consider a perfectly natural question of my own:

What do you study?

To which I got this in return:

lol, so i have an idea if ure up for a lil fun

And it was time for the bad feelings to make themselves known. Now, I still wanted to give Random Person the benefit of doubt, so I asked the following:

Define "fun".

The description Random Person gave me confirmed all my earlier bad feelings:

i was actually gonna get to my "job" here shortly. my girlfriend was working online and i kept askin her about it so she showed me what she was doing when we got back to school after christmas vacation

lol i thought she was joking at first, but its pretty cool actually. we work online doing private webcam shows which sounded crazy at first trust me. but i freakin luv it!!!

Remaining calm, collected and keeping up with the traditional tone I had set so far I replied with something positive and non-committable:

Then that's good for you - I'm glad you and your girlfriend have found something that's rewarding for the both of you.

This seemed to activate some form of conversational trigger with Random Person – not only was the next bit related to the last statement, but it went into depth to what was actually going on:

well what i was going to say is i have some free passes and i usually just do a private show before i get started to "warm up" lol. no one is online though so i was going to let u use one of the passes if u wanted but u have to give me a really good rating so i can get more if u do tho k?

To be fair, you have to give Random Person some credit. Not only was I not showing up as online on Skype (I almost never do, even when I am), but the recruitment to better one’s own marketing in this manner either spoke of cleverness or desperation. Here’s my attempt at keeping to remain calm, collected and polite:

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You'd like me to be an observer of your work, then regardless of your performance give you excellent scores? Please do clarify if I messed this up.

It may not be the most correct thing to say at the time, but I wanted to be absolutely clear on this. Sure, most people would have said “thanks, but no thanks”. I, however, am not most people, but what I got in return might as well make me one of them:

oh i'll earn it don't u worry lol. k its *webpage link withheld for not wanting to promote this kind of behavior* and u should see a lil button to accept my invite and create your profile. u just click on that.

then u just make ure own username or w/e and u can cumm into my private chat for us two and type to me and tell me what you want me to do

…okay. This is not something I do – I do not go to random pages online to do this sort of thing. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even that comfortable clicking on links unless I know the person forwarding said link to me. It was time to let Random Person down – gently, kindly and in a way that would not be possible to misunderstand:

Um... I'm not so sure. You do seem like a nice person, but this isn't normally what I'd do.

All true and with plenty of more to come:

yeah you will need a credit card of sum sort... but, its just to keep out the underage kids

u should feel special i dont usually give out this one!! lols im such a goofball sumtimes

A credit card?! Seriously? Now, this was a big, red warning flag accompanied with an alarm who kept on beeping louder and louder. Random Person wanted me to do something that I would not even do with my senses working even at full capacity. Also, there was no way of knowing is said credit card would be billed the instant one were to accept the small writing - nu-huh. My reply:

Just to keep out the underage kids.

The more I hear about this, the more skeptical I become. No offense.

I’m afraid that this mild brush off didn’t seem to have any effect at all:

i'm really excited 2 it's gonna be so much fun. i love meeting new ppl on here, oh by the way... might wanna turn ure speakers down cuz i can get a lil loud once i get going

Right. As Chandler once said “…and we’re done with the *insert random food stuff he was currently eating at the time here*.” – this phrase comes when things have turned icky, disgusting and/or otherwise unappetizing for the main cast in Friends. It was time to bring in the big guns of reasoning:

Let us take a step back for a moment, if you don't mind.

While describing this as a job, I'm assuming you're getting paid for your time. However, you're offering a free pass, even if the site itself require credit card information.

You say you enjoy meeting new people. This is something I can relate too, but as I'm not so sure we have much in common - even with strangers on the internet you're offering to do whatever it is you do while on the site in question. I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but I'm not so sure about this.

This brought me the silence I had not known that I wanted. I admit, my curiosity itched and irked, wanting me to do what Random Person had offered – and not at all for any really good reason. So in seeking distraction from this odd turn of events I flew a few games in space with some fellow pilots (it’s called Galactic Star Fighter, or GSF for short). We won every match and it was oddly unsatisfying.

I’m not going to keep on telling what went on that day.

Sufficient to say it proved strange.

Have gear, can’t Wednesday.

Who’s up for karaoke night at Jigglypuff’s?

“(Name of channel withheld for reasons) is they only channel I know that says "let us know what you think" and actually cares what you think.”
The reply?
“We do care! Not least because we have a smart, super knowledgeable community who's as into obscure videogame trivia as we are! :D “

Okay, since I’m spending time referring to what’s on the big, wobbly spider’s domain, have a take on Rey that I’m now finding myself largely in favor of.

I’ve also made it into the ranks of the Jedi. Starting at the bottom, of course, but with every option of advancing. Goal so far? Become a Knight. Short term? Have my character learn to read properly. Middle goal? Advance to the rank of Padawan. Should say sorry for having to made some obvious mistake about first introducing myself IC, too (I blame my character for not knowing).

On the note of randomness – a friend of mine and I was doing RP. Our characters were dancing and we were having fun picking out the music we the players could listen to while it was going on. Then an ad for a fast food chain popped up. Muting it and watching made it appear strangely epic. So, we watched it again. And it was still epic. Disturbingly and somewhat depressing, I admit, but still epic.
If you want to have this experience, here’s the links to get you started. Put them on at the same time (music first, then ad -  a 0.5 second delay is fine). Crank the volume up a few extra notches. Takes about 30 seconds to watch. Don't forget to mute the ad.
Music.
Ad.

Mowing on: the big spider spinning tells me that my zodiac sign tells me that I overthinks problems, withdraws, and chooses not to deal with them instead of focusing on the problems. Apparently, people sharing my zodiac sign in some form or another succumb to sadness quite easily.
I find this statement to be strangely accurate.

And because I want to end this on a happy, romantic note.

The pure joy of randomness!

So, it’s late at night and I’ve just ended part one of an RP event (as a player, not the event master, mind you) because of bad internet connection on the European continent. On a hunch I log on another character of mine (different faction, very new, not done much RP with at all) to do a late night Flash Point (that’s like a dungeon, not a raid). Finding one I join a team with three others. At some point one of them left because we (all expect one was low level) wasn’t really up to the task because we didn’t have as good gear, skills etc. So, the high level person left. We found a replacement and got to the last boss fight. Failing that the replacement left followed shortly by one of the original team members. So, there I was, standing with one other, not ready to give up. So, we tried again, with companions this time (NPC’s that follows you around and helps you). We came really close to do it, too close not to be bitter. We made some adjustments and tried again. This time the focus was healing – stay alive and keep the team alive and we might just have a shot at this. Succeeding we went bananas – it was, as things go, an epic win. Then in the following cutscene (the last one) we were joined by two others. It could not have been a better timing – we had JUST cleared the boss and were wrapping things up after going 20-30 minutes waiting for other characters to join us! Finishing the Flash Point we exited with big smiles and laughter, explaining what was going on to the two confused newly arrivals. Then they left and it was just the same person and I again. Then we got to talking. And we really hit it off! I mean, you know you’ve got someone nice when you both find the non-existent (aka just created by title) song “Four People Shuttle Run”, then arriving at the conclusion that this is the first big hit of an Nar Shaddaa heavy metal Togruta-only band – you know, that ONE song all the fans yell and wants to hear when they’re touring and playing live. Seriously, I could not have asked for a more spark of joy! Then we talked about the game, RP and this person was truly excellent – a newcomer to the game, but far from inexperienced in the world of RPG. Then it got late and I had to (regrettably) log off. We said our goodbyes and hope to see you again – and I certainly wish so: why else would I friend list such an awesome individual?

If you love something, let it go.

Someone tried to explain Naruto to me. “There’s lots of epic battles, the hero always wins and everyone have very intricate backstories.” My brother added that it’s also very long and complex and that I should totally check it out if I had time to spare. To be honest, “samurai space fox with lightsabers” sounded much more fun. And the fact that nobody really knows what’s really going on. Uh, if you do happen to like enjoy it and actually know anything about it, then good for you. Me? Nope, not getting there. At all.

At the same time, “war” is now a standard form of time measurement. According to someone who tells me: “scars are magic”.

And now over to something completely different.

There is a disturbance in my routine. It comes from everywhere and within, all at once, all at the same time. It promises change, forcing the issue of adaptation upon me like a reluctant leader accepting the role thrusted upon one self. I’m not sure how to fight it. I’m not sure I should fight it. All I know is that when the cold comes I’ll freeze.

Today is a day. Like yesterday was a day. As well as the day before. And the day before that.

The list of days goes on. What about tomorrow, what kind of day will you make?

Being a butterfly isn’t the worst life one can have. Being a larva, waiting for the transformation to begin isn’t either, I guess. Being the little cocoon, the cordial recluse, spending the time dreaming in a state of limbo… Who knows what cocoons dreams in the lithe passing of time.

A creature, created, that is what I seek to become. Made by science and knowledge that exists in our time, putting limits to the test and faith. Yet what I am inside was always beautiful.
So are you.

The fastest way to travel is by candlelight. I find sleeping a close second.

So, there I was. Big city. Alone. Spent some time in the shower, missing my shampoo and backrub. After staying inside to unwind, I decided to go out. Or, the fantasy I kept playing in my mind made me seize the day. Tomorrow was going to be different. Today I was going to walk the streets I couldn’t recall the names of. It would be summer. And I’d not walk the streets with forgotten names alone. Having walked in the opposite direction of my walking dream I found the new place where I would be spending the evening along with one of the two communities I went to experience once again. Following that, I ordered a haircut at the usual place. The hairdresser was just as bad as I to pick a time and day for it. It’s always charming meeting other un-decisive.

Waking up still within my delightful fantasy, I thought at the day before, the day I was going to have today and the day in the future.

28. 42.

Numbers without a roof.

The dark room of the soul.

In the palace of minds.

Happy place.

Go to your happy place.

Title: The inability to read.

Title: the girl in the shadows.

The girl sat in the chair. She had a block of paper in her lap. In her hand was a pen. Next to the girl, there was a small table. On the other, side a lamp. A cell phone, lying on the table surface, played music. The girl touched her hair. Freshly cut. The girl had been to a hairdresser the very same day. The cell phone kept on playing music. The girl waited.

She sat in the chair, waiting. Waiting for what, you may ask. I don’t think she even knew herself. But she waited. Patiently.

There was a knock on the door. She didn’t open. She knew who was outside. And she wasn’t ready to face the past just yet. Nor the music, for that matter.

The cell phone played on. The girl kept on waiting.

…

She is loved.

She is, indeed, loved.

Indeed she is. Loved.

Much like the recipe for food

We look inside

What does not exists

On Tuesdays

Why do people have to be so very acceptable and understanding

Everything is made to be broken

Nothing lasts forever

The trick is to enjoy it

While you can

She knows

She is loved

As another one

Proclaims

Love and support

From all around

The midnight oil

Lit again

Without concern

For the future

The past is the

Past

And she knows

Happiness.

Because sometimes it comes in the form of pies. Sometimes it’s the early midmorning phone call. Sometimes it’s arriving before your coffee shop meeting. It’s all these things and more. And yet it always comes back to two people. One of them is mentioned. And one of them is not. One of them is an open secret. The other one is an actual secret. My secret. My own, little secret.

At some point I’ll have to go public. Right now I’m not quite there yet. But I’m getting there. In my own way. At my own speed. Naturally.

The girl though of many things and nothing. She thought on what she was doing. She thought on what she wasn’t doing. Darling Clementine. Buried alive.

In the darkness, you can hide.

In the darkness, there is light.

In the darkness, you can be clumsy without trying to cover it up.

My mind wanders. It’s been difficult to focus. I blame my feelings. Though, her description was all to accurate. I keep coming back to her. Not that I mind that much. I just hope it’s not TOO much.

My coffee shop date (not that kind of date) that I for the love of me cannot recall the call sign of (but that’s all right) and I spent six hours talking, sharing and in general having an excellent time together.

Party was nice. Just don’t like parties as much as I used to.

I’m getting old.

The return trip was dreadful. That’s basically my own fault, though: spending far too much time focusing on the one really bad thing that happened in an otherwise good and satisfying visit. Sometimes the human psyche isn’t worthy of deeper study. Sometimes emotions are hard enough.

In the second day of the second month in the second era... fire burns.

I went to bed with the lights flickering. The fireplace toyed with the room, creating wonderful life on the walls around. It was beautiful. I didn't want it to end. But I was tired and even skylights of orange and gold lowers one's eyelids at some point. The pen becomes heavy, the writing unreadable. And when you drift off.
Night time changes many things.