lørdag 8. november 2014

The Force Diary


Part one:
It is, in a way, fitting that my first entry should be to give account for some of the most note wordy events that has transpired recently in my life.
I have lost and regained a hand. As a result, the punisher is no longer the Master Sith to me. I must work to harder to remember the correct forms of addressing the Lords.
I am the betrothed to a wonderful man who can make me joyful and happy. His mere presence is intoxication. In but a month our wedding will take place. I already know the perfect spot.
I can never become Jedi. I know that now. Nevertheless, I cannot simply use that word on myself that once describes my now former enemies. I am not Jedi. Nor will I ever become one. Yet I do not believe that I am the alternative. Then what am I?
I can become a wife and, should the Force guide me on that possible path, I may become a mother. My beloved has spoken of our child. I do not know if it is a daughter or a son we shall have. But this I do know: that my first child will be born without siblings.
Most of my new friends and allies are becoming apprentices. I am a full member of the Order, but nothing more. The bond between a teacher and a student is something I have not experienced in many years. Not since my master where murdered in cold blood, oh so long ago. He is with the Force now. I take courage in that thought. One day, I too, will become one with the Force. Perhaps I shall never have another master. Perhaps the Force is the only teacher I have left.
I have been tested in ways I cannot begin to describe. I have prevailed against all odds. I have had the gift of visions. I have taken lives, both innocent and young. I have felt pride, hate, passion, terror, love and despair. I have tasted blood. And I want more. More.

Part two
It would seem that Master Sith if full of surprises. Yesterday, at the weekly inspection, he called us up to stand before the rest, one by one. Not everyone, but a carefully selected few. I was the second one to be called up to stand before him. Master Sith then gifted me with a lightsaber. In truth, I do not know how to respond. He has taken a hand and given me a weapon. I do feel conflicted. I have decided that I can return to the title I first bestowed on him. He has earned it.
The Order has grown. New members, initiates for the most part, unless the individual have some former connection to our Master Sith. Now, for the first time since I made the choice myself, my branch of Diplomacy, now merged with Intelligence, has received another one. A Zabrak, but I did not catch her name. I have been told that there has been others who have joined when I have not been there myself, among them a lieutenant. A Pureblood lieutenant. I do not like her. I hope that this next new face in Diplomacy, unless she pick Intelligence, of course, will prove to be more of pleasant surprise than the last.
The lightsaber have a very different feel than the one I have been wielding in the recent past. It holds more power. A hunger. Nothing like the blade of one I now hold in higher esteem than I thought possible then I first met him. Two times has he drawn blood from me in the line of duty, one by my own choosing. Three times he have given me great reasons to trust him. And I do trust him.
The little one have been ill. My love has told me I am in change of that, as it is my pet, even if he where the one who gave the creature to me in the first place. But besides holding it, feeding it, comforting it when it is not hiding under a piece of furniture, I do not know what to do. Nothing in of the vast storage of information is there anything I can find that is of use to the little one. It makes me frustrated to just have to stand and watch as I can do nothing but ease the pain it experiences by the Force. This I can only when I am near it, as I have not yet found a technique to hold this form of healing in place over a long distance. Perhaps it was wrong of me to agree to take it away from where it first came to be. Perhaps I should return it to snow and cold where it can be alone. Perhaps I am not thinking clearly at all.

Part three

I am now a Wraith in training. I answer to the members Wraith Guard, Master Sith and my friend who leads the Guard. It is expected of me that I train hard to honor this. That is something I can do. I will become part of the Wraith Guard. It is not official yet, but I expect the rumors would circulate with their usual efficiency.
As of now, I do not have to become the apprentice of some kind of a horrible and evil individual of a Lord. I have seen what my friends must endure: their strife and pain, their cruel masters finding new ways to humiliate them or simply ignoring them completely, their desperate need to receive even some small form of acknowledgement. I do no longer need to worry about traveling this path myself. It must be the will of the Force.
My love have fused himself with a piece of armor around his torso. I understand his reasons for doing so as he believes it will make him stronger. I do not agree to this, but my husband to be can be quite stubborn at times. What does hurt me more than anything is the seemingly careless way he disregards his own flesh and his own limits. To tell the truth, I do not believe he notices it. I worry about him. If he continues on this quest for power, I do not know if I can follow him.
I have been gifted yet another item from my love. I now carry part of a star around my next. My love said it would bless us. In what way, I do not know, but even an unknown blessing would be a folly to dismiss. These times, every blessing counts.
The little one has now recovered in full. I have healed it completely.

Part three

My dear diary. I have most exciting news.
I am now a Wraith in training. I answer to the members Wraith Guard, Master Sith and my friend who leads the Guard. It is expected of me that I train hard to honor this. That is something I can do. I will become part of the Wraith Guard. It is not official yet, but I expect the rumors would circulate with their usual efficiency.
As of now, I do not have to become the apprentice of some kind of a horrible and evil individual of a Lord. I have seen what my friends must endure: their strife and pain, their cruel masters finding new ways to humiliate them or simply ignoring them completely, their desperate need to receive even some small form of acknowledgement. I do no longer need to worry about traveling this path myself. It must be the will of the Force.
My love have fused himself with a piece of armor around his torso. I understand his reasons for doing so as he believes it will make him stronger. I do not agree to this, but my husband to be can be quite stubborn at times. What does hurt me more than anything is the seemingly careless way he disregards his own flesh and his own limits. To tell the truth, I do not believe he notices it. I worry about him. If he continues on this quest for power, I do not know if I can follow him.
I have been gifted yet another item from my love. I now carry part of a star around my next. My love said it would bless us. In what way, I do not know, but even an unknown blessing would be a folly to dismiss. These times, every blessing counts.
The little one has now recovered in full. I have healed it completely.

 

Part four

I am no longer alone in my role as a Wraith in training, as we are now two. A former apprentice. A woman of some fierceness. I do not like her. She is my rival, whether I like it or not. Vorairica, she said her name was. Speaking of names, only after the decision by Master Sith was official she spoke mine as “she did not knew it” for the first time. I find that a lousy excuse as when referring to another person. Even if we are not members of the same race, we are members of the same Order; allies, united under one cause, one leader, both following the same rules. Why some hold themselves above such matters as common simple civilly, I cannot understand. She is my rival, but I do not wish to see her fail as of yet. There can be room for both of us among the Wraith Guard. Yet, should she succeed where as if I do not, she had better be worth the position. I do not like her.
The Lord Commander have a view on one of the council members that I am now beginning to share. The Lord Commander is a friend. As he have asked of me, both in the professional sense as well as a personal concern for my own rise in the ranks of our Order, I will do my best to honor and follow his advice. For my own sake, I would not, but now I have two who wishes for my powers to grow, both my Lord Commander and my husband to be have said something similar when they spoke of the subject. Ah, how I want this marriage to begin. I can hardly wait to become Dar’zirl Slate and no longer Dar’zirl of Mirial. My love has not yet seen the spot I have picked out for our ceremony. I want him to see it for his own before we agree on a date. It is a lovely place; secluded, with a waterfall and a stunning view over the tall towers in the city and as we have nothing to hide from the sky, it is open to the elements, come rain or come clouds. It will be beautiful. I have not foreseen it as my visions have been absent for quite some time now, but I am certain of it, nonetheless.
Fire will come, one day. Fire, along with the darkness. If we are to survive, we must stand united. The very memory of the horrors I first saw on my own, deep within a dark cave of my choosing, still terrifies me. However, it is my burden to keep, even from my beloved. The result of the vision is now the only thing that matters to me, to my friends and to my allies:  Survival together or a doom alone. I have taken up to much time writing this already. I must prepare myself.

 

Part five

Oh, how much has happened in but a short span of time! Where to start, I do not even know. I will do my best to be brief, yet I think that might not be the case. Allow me to begin.
I am now hole again. As an organism, at least. A new hand, one of flesh and blood, my own flesh and my own blood, again graces my left arm. I did not realize how much I have missed it until I looked down and saw the color of my skin, even if it now is a little paler than usual, there once again. Now that I am complete again, I have no desire for losing another limb.
There were some uncomfortable moments during the procedure. One was being in the same room with someone like… her… all the while not having much clothing on. Then there was the suffocating presence of the kolto inside the tank, even with the breathing mask. However, worst of all was feeling both trapped and vulnerable at the same time. I was at the mercy of someone I now do trust more than I did before, but then not even my own mother or former master could have made the experience much better. Perhaps I should be thankful that it was she and not... someone else… that was there, helping me through it. After all, she has the potential to become my friend.
I have started my training as a Wraith in full. We were venturing to Hoth yesterday, a place of ice and cold, to become, as the Wraith who lead the exercise said, the best of the best. That is what the Wraiths are – the best of the best. The training itself was hard, but uneventful. The Lord Commander was there, but only to observe and not to participate. I am glad he was there and I am glad that we, Vorairica and myself, where told to work together as a team. After we were done, we took a shuttle back to the Order, shared a cup of something hot (tea, I believe she drank) and made the rounds in the Head Quarter together. I also proposed that we could help each other to become Wraiths together and she agreed with me. I have started to hope that she is now beginning to see past the fact that I am so different from her in so many ways, and has begun to see me as the person I am and no longer an unnamed Mirialan. Maybe I have made a mistake judging her too quickly, relying solemnly on my own first impressions and the words of my love concerning her...
I am changing. Physically. Something has made my body change without my consent. I am the only one who have seen it. Only one other person knows about this and he has earned more than my trust. I hope that there is a way to reverse this… unwanted change. I am keeping the data on my condition in a separate log as I may have to share it with… well, someone… at a later point.
My husband to be has finally seen the spot for our wedding. He gave me praise for finding it, too. Now I can hardly wait!

 

Part six

I must learn restraint when it comes to consume off duty drinks. That is but one of the many things I learned while Lynxia and myself spent the night, two nights ago, doing little else besides drinking, talking and revealing perhaps too much to each other. She is a good friend and a fine ally. One day, I hope she can learn more in the healing ways of the Force as well. It was a good thing that I did not take her home with the package – the security system is more trouble than I ever knew of. I am glad that my husband to be and I had that conversation. Once the horror from my past is no more, we can relax a little – my husband to be still have a long way to go then it comes to trust.
Speaking of trust, a new face wandered into the Order a few days back. Well, I say face, but in truth, I have not yet seen her face as she hides it behind a mask. She said that the High Lord, my first Master Sith, had inducted her into our order. Little else did she remember and there was no file on her in the system. Someone mistook the color of her robe, green, as a sign that she was a Corellian Jedi. Lynxia spotted her as being a Mirialan, and by smell, can you believe that? I guess being a Cathar does have advantages, very different from what I claim to be my own. I am still hurt as in what manner my love did behave that evening. Once the High Lord, my first Master Sith, can vouch for her, she is to become free to wander the Head Quarter on her own, free from the med bay. I can only wish her a quick recovery, as I am not to do much more than to shield her: the High Lord, my first Master Sith, not my fellow Mirialan. I cannot help but to bow my head in defeat due to fact that one placed under the protection of the Wraith Guard almost was lost to us. Captured and tortured. Mutilated. I even have trouble writing this right now, my feelings boil and I must suppress my urge to go after… whoever did this to her. It is not the Jedi way to seek revenge. I am glad I am no Jedi.
The High Lord did look better when I last saw her. As did my love before he won a sparring match against the leading Master Sith. As a result, he was glowing from pride – I sensed his feelings when told that soon he would face his lord trials. Do not presume that a guarding Wraith does not keep focus on what goes on behind his or her back, for we shield the members and leaders of our Order from harm and disturbance, even if it is not always obvious that way we do so. If my love might rise to become a Lord as he wishes so dearly, I would not be any less proud to become a Wraith.
I wonder that is inside of the package. The contents are not dangerous, the Lord Commander revealed as much. He also said that they would open at the correct time and not before that time. I have to admit, it was a bit tense as Vorairica and I stood in the meeting hall and found the then unidentified items at the council seats. It now rests safely tucked behind a carefully selected object in the second floor so that neither my love nor my little one will come across it by accident. I keep wondering about what it could contain. What wonders, new challenge or strange surprise could be in store for me? Does both packages hold the same? Do whatever applies to me applies to my fellow Wraith in training as well? What is so important that it have to be stored away from me, hidden in plain sight, just waiting near the edge of my focus, distracting me? Perhaps that was the purpose all along.

 

Part seven

I am writing this alone. In the dark. Hidden. Part of me does not want to do this. But I have to. I have to write down what happen last night.
Captured, I was. Taken. Abducted from the spaceport on my way home. Subdued and sedated. Brought to another planet. Put inside a cage. A force field cell, glowing, buzzing, taunting me. And then… He was there. Doing things. Against my will. He made me see things. Feel things. He made me scream. He made me beg. He laughed and looked and looked and laughed. He made me want to kill myself, to end it. And then he stopped. I do not know for how long. Dreams, if they were dreams, swept me into a blissful darkness. I must have cried out at some point.
The next I remember was being back at the Orders med bay. Quar was there, holding me. I must have awoken him. He said little that I now remember. I must have fallen asleep once more.
Now I am alone. Now I have snuck out of the bed were my love still sleeps. Gathering my thoughts. Collecting what little of myself that remains. Trying to recall what was real and what was not. And tomorrow I have duties to attend to. I must not break. I must not break. I need help. Help me.
May the Force guide me through this ordeal.

 

Part eight

Having just woke up in the med bay again, I have finally decided that something will have to change concerning the beds. If I am to spend my nights here, they have to be a lot more comfortable. I am surprised that my fellow Mirialan have not spoken about this. Poor thing, she must have been here for about a week now. I hope this will change very soon. Still, she does not say much. I have tried to show her friendship and hospitality, yet she appears unconvinced that I do not seek her harm. She does not even take of her mask in my presence. No more of what happened before that night can she recall. I have decided not to press the issue, but simply remain available should she seek my company. At least she seemed glad that she would not be alone any longer. I would be too, if the circumstances where more pleasant.
This should be a moment of joy. My first Master Sith, now with the rank of Darth, has agreed to perform the ceremony that would link me to my love with a formal, official bond. The kind of bond she already possesses. I am most thankful for having her on the council, pleased for her well-earned promotion and grateful for the privilege to be able to address her by her first name. One day, I may call her my friend, but for now, she remains Master Sith to me.
The nightmares have returned. This time, they have taken a new, terrible form. Ever since the night when… he… did, what he did… I have had trouble sleeping. But what I could not understand was the voice of the other man and why he was there. I have no desire to repeat my torment by putting it into words. After meditating on the dreams, I have tried to accept them and letting them go. I hope that they will not come back to haunt me for some time. I cannot afford be distracted more than I already am.
The package has begun to stir in the back of my mind. I can almost sense the contents. Almost.
I should never have gone out in the jungle without letting someone know I was there. Yet that would defeat the purpose of my solitary walks. I require the calm of mind, the silent flow of the Force, away from other humanoids in order to function. If I am to stay locked up in the Orders Head Quarter for too long, I might do something I would regret later. My love means well. My friend in the Wraiths does so too. Now this… my involuntary imprisonment… I have no other word for it at present, I am afraid – does not address the issue of my safety. I am to become a Wraith, not remaining cooped up inside like some Hutt treasure in a dusty vault. Honor and duty may hold me here for, as my word to the Lord Commander does. If I cannot understand the method, at least I can try to understand the reason behind it. The Lord Commander is wise beyond his years.
More gifts from the head of the Order. Gloves. I will wear them, even if they do not fit with my current attire. I would have to find a new outfit again. Perhaps I should start to wear something more befitting of my station as a Wraith in training, as well.

 

Part nine

Loyalty. Unity. Strength.
This is the spirit of the Order. My Order.
It is expected to be loyal to your superiors, members of the Order as well as the Order itself, the Council and he the others refers to as “the Dark Master”. My loyalty and dedication is not in question. As a Wraith in training, I have proven myself. Once I have completed my training, I will be only below the Lord Commander, the Council and the leader of the Council. Not even my dearest husband to be and my friends will be able to rise at this rank for some time. As such, my position will be a source of inspiration as well as a comforting defense, to both my friends, allies and they who I have sworn to protect.
Both within and outside the Order, we are supposed to work together. To help each other when there this needed, to stand together in the face of danger or battle, to protect and uphold our high standards and long-term designs… This way we accomplish what we could not do on our own. Alone we shall fall, one by one. Together, we stand a chance of surviving the coming darkness. I have foreseen this. Our leader believes this. We stand united. Our struggle is hard, but we shall overcome. We will overcome.
Many paths lead to strength. Words, emotions, practice, numbers, experience, wisdom, trials, knowledge, the truth, power, even the ways of the Force may grant strength. We all seek it, hunger for it, longing for it, hoping for it, training for it, wishing and dreaming of it. Some want it more than other and are therefore prepared to go to great lengths in order to get it. Some are desperate for it and are willing to do almost anything for it. This makes the seeker blind and narrow sighted. As such, the quest for strength becomes one’s weakness. I do not actively pursue strength in any known form. I accept my limitations and do my best to exceed my own expectations and meet the expectations of others within the Order.
Loyalty. Unity. Strength.
Our loyalty strengthens the Order and unites us.
Our unity strengthens the Order as long as we remain loyal.
Our strength is great and the Order is strong, as it unites us in loyalty.
Loyalty. Unity. Strength.

Part ten:
Today is a good day. Two days ago, I gained more than the trust of Master Sith. I now hold the acknowledgement as a true Wraith, in the eyes of both others and myself.
First, we answered to the summoned to the Jevlas iv Xakersta. At the briefing, we learned that our mission was to capture a space station. My love was to board the station along with the other members of his sectors. Master Sith gave me the tactical view and communications.
The battle was both grim and cold. Ship after ship, vessel after vessel, none could withstand the power of your guns. I do not know how many lives were lost in that day – how many former friends and allies died because of I was doing what I was supposed to do. It is strange to view a monitor and seeing that the life signs in the once proud ships disappeared, one by one. The Force embraced many that day.
A small craft carrying a boarding party hit us and penetrated our shields, but we fought off the attack. Then Master Sith gave the bridge to me and told the Lord Commander to follow him. At that time, we were four left on the bridge. It was Lord Theronar, Lynxia and someone called Dranova who stood with me. Theronar held control of the guns as Lynxia monitored our shield status and Dranova took my old station. I stood where Master Sith had stood, behind the command console, in charge of the vessel. Pride was swelling within me and I wanted to prove myself worthy of this great responsibility. None did make it past us as we kept our friends and allies safe, awaiting their return with nervous anticipation. Then the message came over the holo communicator – the station was ours, send reinforcements to secure it. We did not break out in cheers, but the mood certainly changed on the bridge after that. Upon returning to us, Master Sith took command once again as I went back to my station. Having succeeded, we went back home to Dromund Kaas.
After Wraith training on Tatooine yesterday, I am tired. So very tired. I shall write but a little more now. It is sufficient to say that it took much more of me than I expected and that when it was over, I went to visit an old friend, seeking comfort and advice.
Bring light clothes, a knife and an item to hold water in and then meet up at Tatooine. Oh, if I only had knew what were in stored for my fellow Wraith student and myself. I do not complain at present – being a Wraith, even if I am only one in training, is the best thing that could have happened to me when I try to look back and think over my possibilities at the time. Now I wish I could remain as strong in that belief as I was back then.

Part eleven

Since the wedding, oh the weeding, I have been plagued with unwelcome visions. There is a great wave rushing forward. Sometimes it even has faces on it, some more visible and easier to recognize than others. I see people running for shelter from it, swept away underneath the waves, consumed, not to rise again. I find myself on a hillside, looking up to people standing there at the top. Sometimes I see myself there, along with Jaolyn, Quaritch, Lynxia, Avoras, Vorairica, Senix, Vannozza, Czernobog, Minisha, Bohmen, Tyrahni, the Opsmaster and countless others. Sometimes I do not know any of them. Sometimes Jaolyn is the only one there in a faceless crowd. Sometimes the hilltop is to shallow to hold anyone. I can hear the wave coming up behind me. Sometimes I turn to face it. Sometimes I do not. Then the darkness takes me, pulling me under. This is where the vison ends before it begins anew. The darkness is coming.
Because of my visions and other disturbing developments, my husband, Lynxia and I have followed in the footsteps of Jaolyn and her wife. We are now outcasts, traitors to our former allies and friends. I wish there was a way to save or help them all, but the choice was to stay behind and die for all the wrong reasons or simply flee and live. I choose life. We all did.
Dar’jetii. According to Lynxia, it means “no longer a Jedi”. Dar’jetii. I may never have been Sith as she and my husband once was, but I never did get as far as to be a Jedi, at least not as being formally recognized as one.
The Force have set us free. Free of obligations, free of oaths and free to wander the twilight, free to run from the darkness and former allies, free to hide and to let our training remain uncompleted. My husband may not become a Lord of the Sith for some time now. What Lynxia wishes to do, it will most likely involve action. I cannot help but wonder what role Jaolyn have to play in all this, but I know that I have to follow her. And follow her I shall, even if it will be the death of me.
My name is Dar’zirl Slate. This is my story.