Hidden wonders made real.

Strange.
Out of element.
Element unknown.
Enjoyable.
Like Swedish hip-hop.
Surprise.

Being included.
Being alone.
Being oneself.

Out of all the alias, Nomi was born.

I am Nomi.
It's not my real name, birth or chosen.
But it's who I am.

I am Nomi.
I am proud to be me.

Allies: you know who you are.
Thank you.

Marching with Pride. That was yesterday for me.
Except I didn't march as much as dance, jump, and move with joy to fitting music.

I also went to chuck Sunday - on a hunch more than anything - I had time to spare. Been a while since I've done so. Usually, I visit at least one church when I'm abroad. This was sort of the same.

Being strange in the capital.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

23:4

Eg ser at du er trøtt

Men eg kan ikkje gå alle skritta for deg

Du må gå de sjøl

Men eg ve gå de med deg

Eg ser du vil gi opp

Men eg kan ikkje leva livet for deg

Du må leva det sjøl

Eg ser at du er redd

Men eg kan ikkje gå i døden for deg

Fragile minds

We all have them. We don’t know what’s going to break us. Unless we’re already broken.

I’m not broken. I mean, I’d like to think I’m not broken. Does that mean I’ve not faced my limit?

Transcript of what came before.

Transcript of an Resolute.

Transcript of a transmission.

Transcript: the word that now have lost some of it’s meaning.

Repeat something long enough and it’s one option.

The other is that you start to believe.

I believe. But not in what you’d think.

Rekt radio.

Insert joke here.

The screams were a mixtue of agony and ecstasy, and some dark part of me longed to join in.

It began some nights ago. I was awake, or trying to stay awake, in preparation for night shift duty the coming week. I don’t know about you, but to me it’s always easier to push the waking hours two or three over a period of time instead of getting the full 24 hour awareness in one big bulk once you return to work. Never one to stay up late I’ve learned to make it past my limits. In fact, it’s getting hard to actually have a fixed time I end the day and go to bed, no matter the time of day. Call it what you will: occupational hazard, weird sleep pattern or just plain stupid. Doesn’t really matter – it’s the same to me.

So, this story begins in the middle of a week off. This means that I had successfully turned the day and night cycle to something what most people consider normal and was on the start of returning to be up at nights again. Sometimes I go the whole week not bothering switching back – this is mostly in the winter when it’s not much light and my vampire tendency come in full force – shunning sunlight like the devil and becoming paler than a Scandinavian love affair. This week I didn’t because my boyfriend had asked, nay, pleaded me to come to a dinner with his parents, aka my future in-laws. I didn’t really want to: I had been looking forward to staying in my antisocial mode on the computer and write down some thoughts, play a few games and have a chat with my digital pen pal on the other side of the world. Still, I didn’t want to disappoint him. A relationship is give and take. I was always a sucker for love.

The big day for the visit was to be a Friday. They apparently had this big thing planned: dinner, coffee and even possible a movie if the time favored us. Knowing my in-laws I was looking forward to an evening of home baked pizza with thick crust and lots of cheese, beer at the meal, strong coffee and cakes you could break a skull on if you smashed it in between one of them and a rock before the dreaded talk about grand-kids, the discussion following if I had any other career plans than staying a night shift nurse at the hospital and the questions about my brother really being into online gaming and thus spiraling towards becoming the new psychotic killer they had read so much about on their local newspaper forum.

- You know I only do this for you, right? I asked him.

Smiling in that smug way of his he kissed my cheek.

- Relax, darling, they love you.

- No they don’t. They love the IDEA of me and the fact that you’re getting married.

- Honey, you known that’s not true. They love you.

Sometimes my boyfriend can be so blind. His parents did not love me, not one bit and we both knew it. He however, as well as them, was perfectly happy to go on believing the lie. Me? I’ve had enough dishonesty to last a lifetime. Great game, though, while it lasted. Like buying a red bikini at the local supermarket.

So, there I was, sitting in our slightly too old car, blinking my eyes to stay awake with a wish of being back in bed, naked and just taking it slow to actually having to do anything. The hospital had called me the week before during some sort of grand emergency – big traffic collision in the middle of a holiday season with multiple victims – so I was entitled to some well deserved rest at last. Apparently “rest” and “relaxation” meant having dinner with your in-laws. I’d rather do another big highway disaster.

The radio was on and some punk rock hipster news reporter with terrible pronunciation kept talking about the fugitive situation and the aspect of changing our national culture – to be honest I wasn’t really listening. My boyfriend always keeps the radio on when he drives, he calls it his a-game. Go figure why men need stimuli all the time.

Then all of a sudden the adverts were over once again and I caught the word “disease”. Naturally, as a nurse, my interest sparked.

- …and while we’ve had numerous reports about these cases there is no evidence to support the claims of an epidemic in the making.

By now I was wide awake and had leaned forward to turn the volume higher up (much to the disapprovingly “hey!” from my boyfriend who has it tuned up EXACTLY just the way he likes it) not wanting to miss the latest update of what my colleges had begun calling “the second coming of the chicken pox”.

- Typical news in a slow season: a mysterious…

- Sush. I want to hear this.

- …all points to be related to the death three years ago in the swamp lands where Henry Jessinger disappeared in the search of Maria Herinla – the body was covered the next day…

- Really? This interests you?

- Yes. Please be quiet, I’m trying to listen.

- …as nobody have been able to verify the murder weapon in question the case had previously been closed by the police, only to be reopened in light of the resent findings at Utmyra Hotel. So far the nearby residents have been unwillingly to comment on the forced isolation, but we have confirmed reports about armed forces patrolling the area…

Wait, armed forces patrolling the area? This wasn’t just some sort of sickness, if there were military presence sealing the border of the quarantine zone… Shit. My cousin was probably there, trying to get a story out of my sister. My sister joined the special forces three years ago after the miscarriage and a messy divorce. Not a nice guy – I had half a mind to show up on his doorstep and give him a piece of my mind, but the thought and care of my sister had always held that urge back. Anyway, these days she was doing a lot of secret missions for the government and couldn’t even tell us where she was when she wasn’t answering her emails. I knew better than asking – I respect her too much to bring that “sorry, that’s classified” look on her face.

- …as this year is coming to a close we ask all drivers to show responsibility on the roads and if you happen to be on highway eleven: there’s a large convoy of trucks up ahead so you better be patient and keep the rush to a bare minimum. Remember, people, one large disaster is one too many for any kind season.

Pop music started to pour out of the speaks again. Some sassy love story about a teenager and his unresolved parental issues, most likely. I turned the volume down.

My in-laws live in a house build 20 years ago – one of those rows of houses that serves as the last resort against nature, situated just far enough from the medium city they claim to live in to actually be inconvenient and not far enough out to be “in the country”. Zombie hunters would call the entire thing “infill” – there’s nothing more than a background for a suburban subculture of racial trauma, freshly mowed grass and small talk to cover the better part of a talk show host’s wet dream. Never really liked the place to begin with I wasn’t particularly thrilled when we were spooked by a deer the first time my boyfriend (back when we were both students) brought me over to say hello and be judged as a possible womb for his offspring. Having undergone gender reassignment when I was five I hadn’t been able to tell them that I could not conceive a child any more than my boyfriend’s chances of getting pregnant – witch, if the talk in the generics department were to have any credibility, were on the rise. It’s amazing what we considered sci fi just years back could actually become a reality. Unfortunately, time travel were yet undiscovered and I was stuck with the prospect of having to suffer an evening with people I had nothing else in common with but the fact that I loved their son.

As my boyfriend pulled over and began taxing into the car park I must have sighed, for just as he had turned off the ignition he exhaled tiredly.

- Look, I know you don’t fancy doing this. I don’t either. Seeing you uncomfortable eats me up inside.

He paused, most likely awaiting my response. Not knowing what to say I simply looked at him, feeling uncomfortable all over.

- Don’t think I don’t notice: you don’t come along with my mother very well after that whole insufferable incident with my father.

The episode he referred to was best known as “the incident”. Don’t ask me why, I still struggle to find a logical response to the the question/phrase “so you’re that girl that fucks my son with his socks on”. Seriously, that’s what you want to leave as a first impression on an already insecure female with kinks best remained unknown to you and your family?

- Look, I didn’t mean to…

- Just stop. Please, this is hard enough for me as it is.

I stopped talking. Sometimes I’m an expert of not talking. My first girlfriend was deaf and as such I learned to go days without uttering a word. It’s amazing how much impact a smile and a hug can play in terms of communication as a couple. Also, the sex was fantastic: I was finally able to let go my restraint for not screaming during the best parts of intercourse. That’s the only time I ever saw her blush: when our neighbor bought us a ball gag and left it in the mail along with a note kindly asking for whoever was screaming next door in the middle of the night to have the courtesy to use it when they were enjoying themselves as much as we were. At least I think it was our neighbor: we never did really find out who had done the deed. In any case, that ball gag opened up a whole new world of exploration that in the end forced me to leave her. I still miss her, but we both knew that our time together as lovers had run out. Just like sand.

- Honey? Are you listening to me?

- Hm? Oh, sorry.

- That’s all right. You had that distant look on your face again.

- Yeah… it’s… it’s not really perfect timing due to my work schedule prep. I must have let my mind slip there for a moment. Sorry. Better here than at your parents, right?

- …right.

There was an awkward pause.

- I’ve been thinking. Perhaps it’s best if this is the last time we visit my parents.

- Sorry?

- I know you’re unhappy leading up to it and you’re feeling down for at least a day once it’s done. I don’t want to see you like that. And yes, I know it’s a different kind of unhappy when you lock yourself in the basement with the RP-sign on the door. I don’t mind sharing you with others in that guild you’re part of. Heck, I don’t even mind that play partner you’ve got binding you to signal posts.

That’s actually true. I do have a fetish for being tied to lamp posts, traffic lights, traffic signs and the like. Don’t ask me why because I’ve got no idea why I enjoy it as much as I do. There’s this particular spot, down by a off beaten path, a former highway, now replaced, where I can stand in bondage for hours without a passing car. I wear a hood, so they wouldn’t be able to notice me for my breasts and slightly broader shoulders than your average girl. You’ve not been able to experience true freedom before you’ve been tied to a lamp post in the middle of an early spring morning sporting nothing but a blindfold, gag, fish stockings, high heels and neon blue underwear. Trust me, you haven’t.

- So, here’s the deal. We do this right one time and it’s the last. No bullshit, no strings attached, no nothing. They don’t have to know it, just you and me.

- You…

- Yes, I’d do it for you. It’s the second best thing after restarting the car and just drive away, bailing out of it entirely. Sadly, I can’t, because I’m going to have to come back to them at some point. Without you.

Those last two words were added with passion. I noticed how the fire burned inside him, making him irresistible and unpredictable. He knew that I knew and that it turned me on and that in turn turned him on…

When we exited the car sometime later had both had to adjust our clothing. Thank the goddess that I haven’t worn something expensive, fancy or even lots of makeup. My boyfriend shrugged, trying to hide a smirk. He wasn’t doing a very good job. I touched his arm.

- Hey.

He turned around.

- Thank you.

I pulled him close and kissed him. It was a warm, grateful kiss, full of love and sweet tenderness. It was a kiss of equals and returned sentiment. It lasted for an age, and when it finally broke we stood there, looking at each other.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

He grabbed my hand.

- C’mon, let’s get this over with.

We walked the few steps out of the car park and into the falling snow. Dusk had finally settled, the metropolis gleamed in the far, far distance and that dreary, lingering sensation in the lower part of my gut had vanished. I had not felt so… so alive, so full of life and anticipation. We climbed the few steps and staircases that lead up to our destination. Date with destiny, I thought to myself, and then instantly regretted it for it’s ominous sound.

As we started approaching the end of the street we came to the turn at the end of the row of houses. At one side there’s people’s homes, fences, gardens full of grass and the occasional plant or item to make it look prettier. Then there’s the road. On the other side it’s the forest. Dark, foreboding, wind rustling through the leaves and blocking out the street light, making us realize just how small we Humans are in this world. I held my boyfriend’s hand tighter.

Then I began feeling watched.

In the blink of an eye I was convinced, utterly convinced, that there was something out there in the forest, watching us. Watching me. Bidding it’s time. I froze. Well, I froze mentally as I kept on walking, kept on holding my boyfriend’s hand, kept on ignoring the signs that this was wrong, horrible wrong and that I was about to die.

Pardon the melodramatic – I tend to assume the worst.

My boyfriend glanced over at me.

- Are you all right?

- Hm?

- You’re holding on kind of tight.

- Oh. Right. Sorry.

I didn’t want to let go of his hand, but I tried to relax the grip. A little.

And then we were there. Outside the gate in the small fence. The front door looked dark and out of place between the pale painted walls. They were white. The walls, the fence white and what looked like black under the electric light from the closest lamp post. I didn’t want to go in.

- Okay, what is going on?

- Nothing! I mean, I’m just feeling nervous, that’s all.

- No, you’re not just feeling nervous. I know it when you’re nervous. This is something else.

He was right, of course. I was feeling something else that nervous. But I couldn’t tell him how that door scared me into my very core, made me want to turn, run away, scream – he couldn’t know, this was his childhood home, a place of happy memories. To me, it was terror.

What follows next is not something I remember.

The last I can recall with certainty is standing there, in front of the fence with my boyfriend, ready to enter. If we did or if we didn’t I honestly can’t tell.

What comes after is a vision of red, of dark iron bars, blood, horror, shackles and me being led by a policeman. I remember being delirious, taking, not making any kind of sense. Then, as the cool night air touched my skin, I began saying something over and over again.

The screams spoke to me.

It wasn’t until the ambulance came that I’d be able to make my statement. Six short sentences long, but it made quite the impact.

I couldn’t help it. The screams spoke to me. I didn’t want them to, but they did. The screams were a mixture of agony and ecstasy, and some dark part of me longed to join in. In the end, I did.

Now I can’t stop thinking about those screams.

To be continued...

When it comes, here it comes.

Bottle.

Broken shards.

Be still, my bleeding heart.

Someday we’ll embrace each other.

The undertow.

Sometimes, it carries you away.

Sometimes it does not.

Princess of the Night.

Princess of the Dawn.

New Dawn.

Because it is always a new one.

Princess, princess of the Night.

There is no Princess.

Never was.

All there is happens to be something I’m not. the ME.

R.

The feeling of sorrow is real, be if from the outside or the inside.

One mystery box later and I might even thank the tank driver.

Feeling good is good enough.

Except for when you don’t.

I've come to answer your prayers.

Life has no meaning anymore, does it? The wine has no taste, food sickens you and there seems no reason for any of it.

But what if I could give it back to you?
Pluck out the pain and give you another life?

Bonnie

My Bonnie’s over the ocean.

My Bonnie’s over the sea.

My Bonnie’s over the ocean.

Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

Original song.

Loss.

Today I woke up much too early. Got the news that the puppy, the lovely creature that had been the freshest member of the household, had to be put down. Asked for an update, owner (a member of my household) broke down in tears. Went for an instant hug.

According to the owner, the vet said the puppy didn’t had a chance, that having that many seizures she suffered in such a short amount of time were terrible. Wasn’t even able to get contact with her, simply stated that she’d enter some kind of state that wasn’t part of this world.

She wasn’t even a year – about four months old in total. At least she didn’t suffer, not so much.

Still sucks.

Thanks to you who's been kind enough to help. If you do wish to help, feel free to drop me a few words - I'll pass on any love to the owner (if you knew the dog in question).

While alone on night watch...

...do not read Stephen King.
Especially not when Shadow stands just outside the doorway, watching you, watching you watching, never tilting a head in acknowledgement that you're there or returning the gesture when you do. Shadow watches. Shadow just watches.

Red spots in the doorway. Another doorway, blinking lights, lights that don't make up their mind on what setting to appear on.

The rattling door down the hallway that insists on you keeping it down the hallway. Walking, rattling, walking, rattling, walking, passing, seeing it, the door that rattles, shakes as if wind were pushing it, urging it to shake, shake and rattle in the hinges, rattle, rattle, sheading the snakeskin and the little worm in your mind that is fear crawls, crawls into darker shades and shadows.

Unfamiliar noises, familiar noises, the little bit, the big bite, respite and lack of keys... All blend in, all mixing, blending, blinding, hard to keep track, making it hard to keep the keep secure and the track, the road, the shutters stutter, shutting down and you know, you know what's going to happen. Because it's already happened and you're not just writing a memorial, you're writing about the past, the late happenings and the dead dread that creeps down your creepy spine in cold, cold silence that's oh so eerie and you can't stop thinking, can't stop to drain or drown it out because there's no ending it and you pray and you scream and there's no sound no sound at all and all you're able to do is type, type, write, write, keeping the darkness at bay, keeping the hedges clear and visible ready to face the darkness inside of you and the hedges, the hedges are real.

Shadow in the doorway agrees.
Fiction mixes with fact.
The real world becomes a fantasy.
The voice on the radio comes from afar, afar and sounds like the muffled washout of wordless dead things from under the sea where dead gods dream.
None of this is real.
Shadow outside in the hallway stares silently at me. I hope that Shadow agrees with me.

Tonight is a night you should be sleeping.

Trans Day of Visibility.

"I believe that transgender people, including those who have transitioned, are living out real, authentic lives. Those lives should be celebrated, not questioned. Their health care decisions should be theirs and theirs alone to make. And what I wrote decades ago does not reflect what we know today as we move away from only the binary boxes of "masculine" or "feminine" and begin to live along the full human continuum of identity and expression."

Gloria Steinhem

“Look, I’m trans, and maybe it won’t be in the future, but right now it’s a struggle. So I get annoyed when people assume technology is gonna magically fix all our problems. It won’t do anything about bigotry. We have to fight that now.”

Claire, Questionable Content, page 3185.

“Men are equally illogical as women just on other ways. All women want to feel like they are pretty witch is kinda dumb ‘cus whom the fuck cares about being pretty when you can be so much more.”

Person who's opinion I love.

“They can take control in unexpected ways, they have a seed growing inside of you wanting to grow into a beautiful flower that will radiate with it's unique bloom.”

That’s at least how a certain Sylly One described it.

“Sleeping in a bed when your romantic companion is nearby will grant the Lover’s Embrace perk, which grants a significant boost to any earned XP for a limited time.”

VDSG Catalogue No. 9633

“I’ve been with men all my life, and I’d never fallen in love with a woman. But when I did, it didn’t seem so strange. I’m just a woman in love with another woman.”

Cynthia Nixon.

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Somehow, Samuel Beckett really got it.

An unexpected chat.

While coming home early Sunday morning back from work, I found a random person trying to add me on Skype. As I usually do when this happen, I replied with a polite "Hi. Who are you and how do we know each other?" – for all I knew this was someone who I did knew, but didn’t have on Skype. As it turns out, this was not the case:

i got ure name from the member directory here on skype cuz i was bored and lookin for new people to talk to. lol

25/f here u?

Now, based the writing alone I was fairly certain that this was an individual that I’ve not shared words with before as most of the people I spend time with, including my acquaintances, makes an effort to write properly. I felt that stating this would be a natural follow up:

I see. So, basically, we're two random people who's had no previous contact?

However, instead of answering my question, Random Person went on with the questions:

so what r ya up 2?

To in turn I replied:

I just got home from work. It's about 08:17 at my place. Night shift.

This prompted another strange answer:

i'm just looking forward to my spring vacation from school, i'm still in college right now so i'm pretty excited ya know

At this point, I was more than just a little baffled, but trying to remain the well-mannered person I like to think of myself as so I went along with what I consider a perfectly natural question of my own:

What do you study?

To which I got this in return:

lol, so i have an idea if ure up for a lil fun

And it was time for the bad feelings to make themselves known. Now, I still wanted to give Random Person the benefit of doubt, so I asked the following:

Define "fun".

The description Random Person gave me confirmed all my earlier bad feelings:

i was actually gonna get to my "job" here shortly. my girlfriend was working online and i kept askin her about it so she showed me what she was doing when we got back to school after christmas vacation

lol i thought she was joking at first, but its pretty cool actually. we work online doing private webcam shows which sounded crazy at first trust me. but i freakin luv it!!!

Remaining calm, collected and keeping up with the traditional tone I had set so far I replied with something positive and non-committable:

Then that's good for you - I'm glad you and your girlfriend have found something that's rewarding for the both of you.

This seemed to activate some form of conversational trigger with Random Person – not only was the next bit related to the last statement, but it went into depth to what was actually going on:

well what i was going to say is i have some free passes and i usually just do a private show before i get started to "warm up" lol. no one is online though so i was going to let u use one of the passes if u wanted but u have to give me a really good rating so i can get more if u do tho k?

To be fair, you have to give Random Person some credit. Not only was I not showing up as online on Skype (I almost never do, even when I am), but the recruitment to better one’s own marketing in this manner either spoke of cleverness or desperation. Here’s my attempt at keeping to remain calm, collected and polite:

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You'd like me to be an observer of your work, then regardless of your performance give you excellent scores? Please do clarify if I messed this up.

It may not be the most correct thing to say at the time, but I wanted to be absolutely clear on this. Sure, most people would have said “thanks, but no thanks”. I, however, am not most people, but what I got in return might as well make me one of them:

oh i'll earn it don't u worry lol. k its *webpage link withheld for not wanting to promote this kind of behavior* and u should see a lil button to accept my invite and create your profile. u just click on that.

then u just make ure own username or w/e and u can cumm into my private chat for us two and type to me and tell me what you want me to do

…okay. This is not something I do – I do not go to random pages online to do this sort of thing. To be perfectly honest, I’m not even that comfortable clicking on links unless I know the person forwarding said link to me. It was time to let Random Person down – gently, kindly and in a way that would not be possible to misunderstand:

Um... I'm not so sure. You do seem like a nice person, but this isn't normally what I'd do.

All true and with plenty of more to come:

yeah you will need a credit card of sum sort... but, its just to keep out the underage kids

u should feel special i dont usually give out this one!! lols im such a goofball sumtimes

A credit card?! Seriously? Now, this was a big, red warning flag accompanied with an alarm who kept on beeping louder and louder. Random Person wanted me to do something that I would not even do with my senses working even at full capacity. Also, there was no way of knowing is said credit card would be billed the instant one were to accept the small writing - nu-huh. My reply:

Just to keep out the underage kids.

The more I hear about this, the more skeptical I become. No offense.

I’m afraid that this mild brush off didn’t seem to have any effect at all:

i'm really excited 2 it's gonna be so much fun. i love meeting new ppl on here, oh by the way... might wanna turn ure speakers down cuz i can get a lil loud once i get going

Right. As Chandler once said “…and we’re done with the *insert random food stuff he was currently eating at the time here*.” – this phrase comes when things have turned icky, disgusting and/or otherwise unappetizing for the main cast in Friends. It was time to bring in the big guns of reasoning:

Let us take a step back for a moment, if you don't mind.

While describing this as a job, I'm assuming you're getting paid for your time. However, you're offering a free pass, even if the site itself require credit card information.

You say you enjoy meeting new people. This is something I can relate too, but as I'm not so sure we have much in common - even with strangers on the internet you're offering to do whatever it is you do while on the site in question. I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but I'm not so sure about this.

This brought me the silence I had not known that I wanted. I admit, my curiosity itched and irked, wanting me to do what Random Person had offered – and not at all for any really good reason. So in seeking distraction from this odd turn of events I flew a few games in space with some fellow pilots (it’s called Galactic Star Fighter, or GSF for short). We won every match and it was oddly unsatisfying.

I’m not going to keep on telling what went on that day.

Sufficient to say it proved strange.