lørdag 8. august 2015

Frak it.

So, I’m writing this to stay awake. Been a night of almost no sleep. Been a weekend of work. Been one of those moments, just lying awake, knowing I’m about to cry and wish I’d be able to.
The night was as hot as the Sin City line.
The bed was more comfortable than a dragon’s toothache.

It’s been a week. I’ve got one dropping of the radar – granted, understandable due to reasons – but it still doesn’t make the sensation of missing and loss any easier to bare. Also, I’ve not been able to spend as much time with others dear to me as much as I’d like.

It’s been one summer I’d rather not repeat.

Come next week, I’ve got two things coming up.
One, two days of night shift and the prep for it.
Two, Commandos training and prep for it.
Other than that, I’m trying to get myself back on the track. Feels like that’s not going to happen right about now.

So, I realize by reading the few last entries here, you’ll pretty much understand what’s been going on about this “big secret” of mine. If you do, great, good for you. If you don’t, you really shouldn’t be reading this blog. I’m serious, I’m not that subtle even if I’m not making that much sense. No, seriously, if you’re clueless, shame on you.

I’m thinking about telling my siblings about what I’ll be going through.

I’m thinking about one of the main dangers that exists. The certainty of life.
And I know there’s a big difference between… Why do I even bother, Nomi said it better anyway:
“At a certain point I realized there’s a huge difference between what we work for and what we live for.



I may be alone in this fight. I may not count on much more than sporadic support. Or, the support I might get might be somewhat different. So far, there’s not been one – not one – person who’s been reacting badly to what I’ve been sharing with them. Different, that’s a given, but not one in a bad way. Some more understanding that others. Some with more knowledge than others. Some with sensitivity, some with advice, some with kind words. Raw, brutal honesty isn’t something you get so see every day.

Ever tried living in a fish bowl? Nope, me neither, but I’m imagine it’s not recommended unless you’ve got a five seconds memory span. Since I don’t have a memory span of max five seconds, I’d figure it would be pretty bad after a while. Can’t even think about all the people staring or pushing their noses up against the glass, poking it, making ugly faces at it, talking WAY to loud…
Even while being indifferent is part of who we are and what we have to do in order to survive doesn’t mean that it’s not hurting.

Try sitting with your legs crossed.

Try spending an evening doing cross road puzzles.

Try staying awake until you pass out.

Just let it go.

The Force might flow throw me. Doesn’t mean it’s strong with me. Powerful? Not really. I’ve rarely been in a position of power. And the few time I have been, I’ve squandered it. Makes sense, actually. I don’t seek power over others. I don’t seek out leading roles that much – sometimes I have to, be it because of reasons that makes sense at the time or just because I have a thing for standing in the limelight.
I’d sacrifice the limelight for happiness.

I’d sacrifice a lot for happiness.

Once, I had this image of family. It was myself, my partner and the presence of a child/children. It was morning and we were sitting around at table, eating breakfast. It was the joy of everyday life, just a normal day, nothing fancy. Dull, even.
That image isn’t something that’s going to happen. I know that know.
First, I’ll not have a child. Not biologically, at least.
Second, I’ll not be able to find myself a loving partner. Not the one I have in mind. Sorry.
Third, it’s a stupid dream that – just like many others – is just that: a dream.

Forth, I’m running out of options.
There’s no woods to walk in.
There’s no way to travel to friends on a moment’s notice.
No sushi. No take away.
No life.

Living isn’t something the dead should go on doing.
Dying is a natural part of life.

Maleficent turned bitter.

“Part of what makes your performances more convincing is that your own image isn't getting in the way. And the more you can keep it like that, the better for your work and your state of mind.”
“As an actor, I still don't really know exactly what I am doing most of the time.”
Sam Riley.

Green fire.
Green fire would be great.
Purple, too.
But I’d like it green.

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